I have been thinking a lot about blame. I think it’s easy to blame other people for our problems, the parents who didn’t do it right, the job you don’t love, the cookies for being in the house, the number of hours in the day. We blame other people and factors all the time. Myself included.
I have been thinking a lot about my ED. I have always blamed it on my parents. I always blamed it on my circumstance. I even have a problem with a fear of failure, and again- its totally my parents fault. But is it? I am 27 years old. At what point is it my problem? At what point do I have to take responsibility for my actions (and reactions to my circumstances) and own them. At what point do I stop blaming the past (and time, and cupcakes) and take ownership of my choices.
Today. That’s when.
I struggle with an eating disorder because I let food have power over me. I use food to help me cope and that has become a habit. I choose to binge. I choose to starve myself. I have the power. Realizing that is incredibly empowering. I have always felt like this ED is something that happened to me. That my depression was something that happened to me. Its not. Its something I can control. And it is no one’s to own by mine.
I struggle with self belief and self confidence because I don’t allow myself to succeed- or I don’t count my successes as successes. I live in fear and I control that. My thoughts can change that and I can’t blame that on anyone but myself. This realization is freeing. It is empowering to stop blaming and start owning. Because now instead of being a victim of my circumstances, I can change them.
So starting today, a new year in my life, I am going to own my choices and try to make better ones. I am not a victim. I am in control. And it feels pretty awesome 😀